People carry many misconceptions about divorce. They often assume it is due to issues such as money or religious differences. Often the problem goes much deeper and is more organic.
It has been my experience that the most common reasons for divorce come down to one of these three things:
- Addiction: One partner has a addiction to alcohol, drugs, shopping, pornography, food, or another issue that has made it impossible to maintain a healthy relationship.
- Incompatibility: The couple may have married when very young and simply grown apart. They now feel incompatible to the point of considering divorce. Other couples choose to stay together despite the realization of they’re incompatible. Learning how to be married is on the job training.
- Personality Disorder Traits: One or both spouses may have personality disorder traits or in fact a personality disorder. This fact makes it challenging to work together as a couple. Some people may realize they have this issue but not manage it as well as they could, leading to ongoing conflict in the relationship.
I have found consistency in the behavior of divorcing couples over the years. People discover they don’t have the skills to identify potential issues when young and then find themselves in a married relationship they don’t know how to handle.
Do couples with these issues inevitably divorce or can they develop the skills to stay together?
It depends entirely on the couple. Divorce is often inevitable when one or both people become so frustrated with the marriage that it becomes unhealthy for them to stay. If frustration has not yet reached the peak, it may be possible to learn healthier coping and communication skills to keep the marriage going. People come to see Barbara Cole when they simply don’t have the skills to manage these conflicts on their own.
How to decide whether to stay or go?
I typically advise people considering divorce to undergo personal counseling first to ensure they can manage the stress of legally ending their marriage and moving on to a healthier life. I try to teach them to care for themselves to make sure they have enough energy and emotional stamina to care for their children. Personal counseling often sheds light on whether the relationship is healthy or unhealthy for the first time. If they decide the marriage is unhealthy and they need to move on, they often feel lighter and freer than they have in years. The parties go form Order to Disorder to Reorder. It is a journey yet well worth it for a healthier life.
If you are considering divorce, talk to an experienced Plano and Dallas Divorce Attorney. Call Barbara Cole at 972.735.8412.
